8. 6. 2020 @ 1700ish
This thought often comes to mind whenever I’m explaining to people certain things about myself. People can ask for explanations, but I usually give one no matter what just because.. I feel like people need to understand the reasons behind the certain things I do? But then again, I find myself wondering as I speak, am I explaining because I want to make them understand me or because I’m worried about what they think about me? Then comes the question, is this explanation, becoming an excuse for the things I do? Also, why do I always feel the need to make people understand me? And why do I need to feel like I have to make an excuse for the things I do? I guess I always put this kind of scenario in my head while talking – a person of superiority telling me, “You’re just full of excuses” or “You call that an explanation?” But then I also put this kind of scenario in my head – “Stop being so fussy” which to me basically means, stop explaining yourself, stop giving excuses, or sometimes, stop complaining. As I get older, I think I’m starting to get better with the whole professionalism thing where it’s okay to not explain yourself because people have better things to worry about kind of notion? But in personal situations with friends and family, I’m still the same, trying to explain every single detail of why I do certain things in these certain ways. Maybe I do it because it’s fun. I do find joy in explaining to people the things I love, but somewhere along the lines, my explanations somehow start to feel like excuses… and I start to lose confidence. But do I have to? I guess it depends on what the topic of conversation is. I’ll have to think about this more. Until the next time I think about this topic, bai bai.
UPDATE: 8. 11. 2020 @ 0047
I think I’m just a fussy person – explanation, excuse, doesn’t matter, I’m just a fussy person.
a Sunday thought 