02.01.21 @ 0045
A close friend asked me how I was doing and in reply I said, “I’ve sort of been everywhere but nowhere at the same time lately.”
It’s a feeling I’ve been recently introduced to. I can’t really pinpoint what I’m feeling in the present.. I’m sure that I’m not angry, happy, or sad… but it’s not not a feeling though either – that’s very different.
I would say not being able to have feelings for me is definitely more of a negative thing, whereas having all sort of feelings but not being able to pick out a specific one is more of a positive thing.
At the same time though, it would be really nice to have some security and stability with my emotions. So I try to ask myself every now and then, how am I feeling right now? But for some reason, I can’t seem to find the words to describe the kinds of feelings I have. It’s not even confusing either – that also, is a very different thing.
So then I ask myself, is this kind of feeling what you call happiness? But it can’t be. There are so many things I’m still annoyed, angry, and upset about, just.. maybe to a lesser extent than a couple of weeks ago.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to explain because obviously people have fluctuating emotions and mood swings all the time, but for me it’s not even that either. I sort of feel the same all the time. But it’s like a mix of everything? Weird.
Maybe in a couple months I’ll be able to look back at my past self and confirm the sort of feelings I’m currently having. Or not. We shall see.
Until next time :’)
a Sunday thought 