11:19 PM, 10/22/21
I came to a realization while talking with my mother, that 3 years ago, I was seriously empty headed.
I tried really hard for many years to make it seem like I always knew what I was doing, what I wanted, and where I was going, but honestly? I really never did. I had my moments of flickering light in my head that would, on occasion, motivate me to do something, take action, and go somewhere, do something, but those moments usually came to a short end.
Now, it’s different. A couple of days ago, I didn’t have a flickering light, the actual switch went off.
Here’s the analogy I though of while talking with my mom. 3 years ago, I didn’t care where I was going, who I was to become, what I was going to do, but I had a hard and firm exterior – an idea that I could pull off and make people believe. Like a pebble, it moves to different places, pushed and carried around by nature, but for the most part, keeps it’s form.
Now, I’m a seedling, and I am becoming a really firmly rooted, really big, big, thick, (and beautiful) tree. I have some stability, some ground, but it’s only the start, and I have to take charge for what comes next in my life to eventually become like a tree.
I feel like maybe this is all a rush of emotions, and I’m making impulsive decisions, but at the same time, I’ve never felt more convinced that this is the path I need to take as of right now. And I don’t see the point of holding myself back.
So I’m going to start this journey, now as a seedling, and one day, the next time you see me, I’ll be a little bigger seedling – the goal is for this seedling to continue to grow, not jump different stages and suddenly become a tree or whatever, but to gradually, slowly, step by step, grow into a tree.
I want this seedling to stay rooted in me, and I have this gut feeling that it will, and that it will continue to grow.
Like the way I end most of my thoughts, did this thought even make any sense? It did a few moments ago. Oh well.
Until next time,
a Sunday thought 