Author: Andrea

Things I miss

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10. 4. 20 @ 2230

A little list of things I thought I wouldn’t miss, but do now

  1. Saying, “Hi” to people on the way to somewhere
  2. Eating inside the cafeteria
  3. Riding a jam-packed elevator and hoping it won’t malfunction
  4. Rehearsals
  5. Going to the gym
  6. Eating food samples at the supermarket
  7. Standing close to people (okay this one may sound a little weird – especially as someone who hates physical intimacy – BUT I do miss standing relatively close to people – like having a sense of community? – Pre-pandemic, when I stood far away from people, it was because I didn’t know them, or didn’t like them, or felt awkward, but now it’s because I feel scared. I think I’d rather feel anything but fear)

I hope that next year, I’ll look at this list and cringe to think that I actually missed some of these things. But for now, I do.

What are some things you miss?

“In Between”

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9. 30. 20 @ 0200ish

I’ve just finished watching/reading Into the Woods (it’s amazing, go watch it right now, it’s on YouTube for free – link) and just one of the things that has been lingering on my mind is the idea of the “in between.”

Some people say they want something different from what they have now. But then when they do get that something different, they realize, they actually want something in between. So then some people say, if possible have both!

For me, whenever I want something, I always try my best to keep what I have now and have more. That sounds a bit selfish. Maybe it is? I’m so curious about other things and there are so many things in this world that I want, so I always do my best to acquire everything. There is no “this or that” for me, only “this” and “that.”

Actually no, I only recently became like this. When I was younger, I always thought that there was only one path, one choice, right or wrong. College changed me.

And then there’s this thought. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble trying to make a decision. Usually it’ll be things like life decisions or bigger, more important things, or more practical life decision choice things, or questions on morality and rationality that are more difficult for me to decide on one singular thing.

For example, the question of, “Is it right or wrong?”

A lot of people answer these types of questions with “Yes, it is right” or “No, it is wrong.” But then a lot of other people, like me, who will be like, “Well.. you know there’s a really gray area when etc. etc. etc……” The kind of answer I want to give, is sort of, an in between kind of answer.

I feel like this topic is of a great interest to me lately because of our given situation lately with Covid-19. My teacher asked me a question (I forgot the question) and I answered something like, “I don’t know” (as always) and she said something along the lines of, “Well, these are times of uncertainty.” And it’s so true – literally a light bulb flickered in my mind when she said this.

I feel like for the past half year I’ve sort of just been living life, doing things as I please, but I didn’t even realize I was doing that? I didn’t realize that I’ve been so not this or that, black or white. I’ve only recently started to realize how uncertain, indirect, and confused I am with everything.

Maybe it’s because it’s super late right now, but as I’m writing, it feels like I’m making 100% sense, but then when I think about what I wrote a minute after I actually wrote something, it feels like it doesn’t make any sense anymore. I honestly don’t know if this entire piece makes sense as a whole, it does in my head, hopefully it does in your head too. If not.. oh well.

Good day/night to everyone 🙂

I love you

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9. 10. 2020 @ 0930ish~

If you’re going to tell me that you love me, you’re going to need to love 100% of me.

Something I learned in class today – my professor made the connection from the above and said that a lot of people say that they love music, but really, only know or appreciate maybe… 17% of music?

Music is so much more than just what you listen to everyday like pop, hip-pop, r&b, it’s also classical, jazz, rock, country, etc., etc., etc. I think he was trying to get my class to understand that as musicians, we should at least know, be aware, and appreciate other types of music, not only the one genre we major in. Because really, classical music wouldn’t be classical music without the influence of other genres, same goes with jazz, with pop, etc.

Just thought the analogy he made was really.. eye-opening (?) because I’m not someone who says I love __ very easily. With people, I avoid it almost completely and with other worldly things, I have the tendency to say I like __ or I enjoy___ or I appreciate __

I think I usually do this because I have commitment issues. I know that I’m not going to like something for eternity, so I don’t want to say that I love it because love is a heavy word. It’s a word that a lot of people (like me) put a lot of meaning to (some people don’t and that’s alright too), so I don’t take it very lightly.

I can say though, I love chocolate.

Can you love someone, but only know maybe… 46% of their life? Or maybe, can you love someone, but only like or appreciate 35% of them?

I think it’s impossible to know someone 100% and I also think it’s impossible to like someone 100%, but I do think that people can be open and learn about their loved ones through time and come to understand even the parts of people they may not… like or appreciate.

But maybe I can only say this because I’ve never actually genuinely told someone I love you yet, so I can’t really understand the whole meaning of love. I don’t know.

–

Okay one last thing, my professor also mentioned something that I thought was really,, just really interesting as well.

He said that he learned from one of his professors, who is (or was?) a very well known philosopher, it went something like this (not sure), but this is how I interpreted it:

That art is something that brings passion in balance with logic and that that is what creates beauty. This becomes the reason why so many people strive for it.

Diary Entry: First Day of Class

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9. 9. 2020 @ 1035

It was 9:30 am and I joined my Zoom meeting for my very first class of this school year. First thing that caught me off guard was the fact that I didn’t get to check my video before actually joining the meeting. Thankfully, my video was turned off.

5 minutes in, everyone for the most part joined the class. My professor introduced himself and then asked us, “Now I want you to introduce yourself and tell us something fantastic about yourself.”

I froze.

“Wait… Is there anything fantastic about me… Why am I here… Why did I choose this class…“

I tried so hard to think of an answer and one by one, all my other classmates were giving their answers.

My heart was racing. I was fidgeting with my rings, the buttons on my shirt, and couldn’t hear my other classmates answers because I was drowned in my own thoughts.

Eventually, I planned out an answer in my head and as soon as I raised my hand, I blurted out words. It was so awkward the first couple second because it sounded like I didn’t really have a reason for taking the class and it looked like my professor was giving me kind of a confused face.

But you know what, this could just all be in my head.

It turned out, I gave a pretty decent response! I think my professor appreciated my answer.

I haven’t had any reason to speak in public for a long time which is why I think I froze up so much today. I knew my reason for taking the class, why couldn’t I easily formulate my answer?

I love and hate the feeling of being nervous. Mostly hate. My breathing becomes uncontrollable, I start zoning out, my heart is literally beating out of my chest, I start to cold sweat, it’s all just really uncomfortable.

But if I end up successfully doing what ever I need to do, those feelings feel so good afterwards – as if I were floating in the air like Tinker Bell. Is that weird? It’s like all the super bad feelings make the good things feel 1000000x better. Isn’t there a saying that goes something like, “You have to experience the bad to know what’s good”? I feel like it’s something like that.

On the other hand, if I don’t do so well, I feel my body weight just drop to the floor.

Anyways, I’m really excited for my class!

Take the compliment

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9. 4. 2020 @ 0042

I get compliments from time to time whether it’s for something small or something big – doesn’t matter. A really close friend can say something like, “I like your edits!” or “you looked so pretty!” and for the first three seconds I would have to process what they said to me.

Wait a second.. did I just receive a compliment…?

Then comes the ever so slightly awkward “Thank you.”

Point is – I sort of? recently? realized that I’m really bad at taking compliments. I constantly doubt myself and have such negative or neutral feelings towards my talents and knowledge. Whenever anyone compliments me, I’m pretty sure my first reaction most of the time is by saying, “rEalLy???”

Now honestly, sometimes I do do that because I want to be humble (to some people it may not appear that way), but most of the time it’s genuinely because I can’t believe that someone has actually complimented me.

but why?

Why do I always degrade myself so much? But that’s not to say that I don’t have ANY belief or confidence in myself – I do. I definitely do know that I have some talent, but I guess I’m always questioning myself because I always compare myself to others.

So then I have to remind myself that I’m at a different place right now than that other person who I saw doing the thing that I want to do, who’s a lot better than I am.

The way I learn, my pace, my path is different, so how can I compare?

I’m always looking at the final product of what others do, but I don’t often look at their progress – how they started and how they got to where they are now or made that one thing I thought was super cool. For some people, it takes years to get to where they are now. For others, it could take months. But ultimately, I don’t even want to be on the same path they’re on, so why even compare??

I mean I guess I could compare appearance… but that’s also very subjective.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m always fighting my self-confidence. One day I’ll wake up and feel great about myself – my look, my achievements of the week, or how well I cooked my eggs. But then another day I’ll look into the mirror and just wonder, “why do I look so ugly” or “why can’t I get ahead in life?”

Am I trying to connect accepting a compliment and confidence? I think so

…

It’s really late and I’m getting confused about my own thoughts now.

I guess I’m writing about this because I want to find a way for me to learn how to take a compliment without having to second guess or feel any sort of negative feelings. I want to be confident in myself and know that when I do get a compliment, that I can instantly tell myself, “I do look good in that photo” or “I did perform well!” without the, “but I look ugly without all that makeup” or “I played better in the rehearsal.” I’m curious to see how I can.. change.

I will be updating this post… soon… 🙂

This is me. I’m _ and that’s okay.

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8. 26. 2020 @ 0017

“Accepting sadness and moving on” was the original title for this post and is what helped me re-generate my thoughts from when I first initially had this thought a couple of days ago, but I decided to change it. 

I used to hold onto feelings of sadness for days. If I was upset about something, I would stick to my phone 24/7 to help me get rid of certain thoughts or sometimes, hold onto them because… I don’t know. 

When I was younger, I turned to unhealthy methods of coping with my feelings of sadness, but nowadays as an ~almost adult~ I think I’ve found different ways of helping myself relieve sad feelings. 

One of the ways is to accept and acknowledge the feelings I have. They may not be good feelings, but they are feelings that must be acknowledged. I’m not sure why, but I feel like when I was growing up, I always had the impression that people should always be happy or strive to be happy. But I don’t agree with that. 

If I’m always happy, I’ll never truly cherish real moments of happiness. If I’m in a sad situation, but I force myself to think positively or completely ignore my feelings, I’ll be even more confused of my current mental state. So then if and when something good happens, I don’t really know how to accept it. My mind is kind of confused, and I often become cold because unconsciously, I’m having all these negative feelings, so physically I don’t want to express happiness. 

Does that even make any sense? 

I know, it’s not easy. A lot of the time, these negative thoughts are… uncontrollable. But with practice, I’ve been able to much more… rationally? Accept whatever feelings I have. And move on. Because when you think about it, whatever you’re going through right now, is not going to last for eternity most likely. Well, I can’t speak for someone else, but for me, I’ve come to realize that nothing is permanent. No feelings or situations are going to last a lifetime. So if nothing is permanent, why put in unnecessary effort to make bad feelings last longer to feel like they are an eternity? 

And then there are times when I cannot accept my sad feelings and just want to be sad for a while. 

When this happens, I make sure to recognize the things that do make me happy. 

Like being able to eat this pink cupcake. Or going outside for a breather. Maybe watching a clip of my favorite celebrities. 

But I make sure not to go too far, like only eating ONE cupcake and spending no more than thirty minutes on Youtube. 

If I don’t recognize my happy and good feelings, then I’ll go into the black hole of sadness… and I don’t want to go there. 

I need to have some balance. 

That is all I have today for this thought, until next tiiiiimmmmmme ❤

Excuse vs. Explanation

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8. 6. 2020 @ 1700ish

This thought often comes to mind whenever I’m explaining to people certain things about myself. People can ask for explanations, but I usually give one no matter what just because.. I feel like people need to understand the reasons behind the certain things I do? But then again, I find myself wondering as I speak, am I explaining because I want to make them understand me or because I’m worried about what they think about me? Then comes the question, is this explanation, becoming an excuse for the things I do? Also, why do I always feel the need to make people understand me? And why do I need to feel like I have to make an excuse for the things I do? I guess I always put this kind of scenario in my head while talking – a person of superiority telling me, “You’re just full of excuses” or “You call that an explanation?” But then I also put this kind of scenario in my head – “Stop being so fussy” which to me basically means, stop explaining yourself, stop giving excuses, or sometimes, stop complaining. As I get older, I think I’m starting to get better with the whole professionalism thing where it’s okay to not explain yourself because people have better things to worry about kind of notion? But in personal situations with friends and family, I’m still the same, trying to explain every single detail of why I do certain things in these certain ways. Maybe I do it because it’s fun. I do find joy in explaining to people the things I love, but somewhere along the lines, my explanations somehow start to feel like excuses… and I start to lose confidence. But do I have to? I guess it depends on what the topic of conversation is. I’ll have to think about this more. Until the next time I think about this topic, bai bai.

UPDATE: 8. 11. 2020 @ 0047

I think I’m just a fussy person – explanation, excuse, doesn’t matter, I’m just a fussy person. 

hOw ARe yoU

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8. 12. 2020 @ 2119

I’m sitting in front of an acquaintance and they ask me, “So how are you?” I answer,

“You know actually, I haven’t been doing so well lately. I’ve got all these things going on and everyday a new problem seems to appear, so I feel like I’ve just been doing downhill since last week. I got a B- on my exam, I had a really bad lesson yesterday, I thought I almost had to go to the police because I thought my phone got hacked and stuff, and then I found out that I had a really REALLY bad cavity, so now I think I have to go to my dentist who’s about 2 hours away to pull out my tooth, really my life lately has been bad.”

You THOUGHT. No, in reality, I usually say, “I’ve been doing alright!”

– End –

When you’re with someone you’re kinda close with, but eh not really, how do you usually reply? I almost always feel obliged to simply say, “I’m well.” BUT depending on the person I’m talking to (but always with a person I’m not that close with), the way they react will be different. It’s usually one of these three:

  1. They think I’m boring as heck 
  2. They think that I don’t like them
  3. They are actually not interested in talking with me or in my personal life, so happens to be very satisfied with the short and sweet answer. 

I think I often feel obliged to give the simple answer because I’ve had so many experiences where people get easily exhausted as soon as I open my mouth about my personal life. So for the benefit of both my acquaintance and I, I tend to keep things simple. 

But talking to friends is a whole different story. Asking “How are you” means, “How are you?” 

Depending on how much time I have, I’ll reveal bits or literally everything that I can think of at the moment. 

That’s all I have for today, until next time!

Update: 8. 14. 2020 @ 2245

I just thought of this while re-reading what I wrote – why can’t I just make an answer that’s interesting enough, but not so revealing and deep? That way, the person I talk to doesn’t feel too overwhelmed or burdened. Knowing me though, it’s not possible.

I can work on it though! Definitely will be more thoughtful from now on…

But should I ? Some people just ask out of kindness.. not genuine curiosity, and it’s (occasionally) very difficult to tell whether it’s one or the other… hm