9. 4. 2020 @ 0042
I get compliments from time to time whether it’s for something small or something big – doesn’t matter. A really close friend can say something like, “I like your edits!” or “you looked so pretty!” and for the first three seconds I would have to process what they said to me.
Wait a second.. did I just receive a compliment…?
Then comes the ever so slightly awkward “Thank you.”
Point is – I sort of? recently? realized that I’m really bad at taking compliments. I constantly doubt myself and have such negative or neutral feelings towards my talents and knowledge. Whenever anyone compliments me, I’m pretty sure my first reaction most of the time is by saying, “rEalLy???”
Now honestly, sometimes I do do that because I want to be humble (to some people it may not appear that way), but most of the time it’s genuinely because I can’t believe that someone has actually complimented me.
but why?
Why do I always degrade myself so much? But that’s not to say that I don’t have ANY belief or confidence in myself – I do. I definitely do know that I have some talent, but I guess I’m always questioning myself because I always compare myself to others.
So then I have to remind myself that I’m at a different place right now than that other person who I saw doing the thing that I want to do, who’s a lot better than I am.
The way I learn, my pace, my path is different, so how can I compare?
I’m always looking at the final product of what others do, but I don’t often look at their progress – how they started and how they got to where they are now or made that one thing I thought was super cool. For some people, it takes years to get to where they are now. For others, it could take months. But ultimately, I don’t even want to be on the same path they’re on, so why even compare??
I mean I guess I could compare appearance… but that’s also very subjective.
I don’t know. I feel like I’m always fighting my self-confidence. One day I’ll wake up and feel great about myself – my look, my achievements of the week, or how well I cooked my eggs. But then another day I’ll look into the mirror and just wonder, “why do I look so ugly” or “why can’t I get ahead in life?”
Am I trying to connect accepting a compliment and confidence? I think so
…
It’s really late and I’m getting confused about my own thoughts now.
I guess I’m writing about this because I want to find a way for me to learn how to take a compliment without having to second guess or feel any sort of negative feelings. I want to be confident in myself and know that when I do get a compliment, that I can instantly tell myself, “I do look good in that photo” or “I did perform well!” without the, “but I look ugly without all that makeup” or “I played better in the rehearsal.” I’m curious to see how I can.. change.
I will be updating this post… soon… 🙂
a Sunday thought 