Tag: relationships

Who am I … ? (11.19 update)

Featured AndreaLeave a comment

8. 12. 2020 @ 0048

These two terms were used when I took English in high school to describe characters in a story: static and dynamic. Lately, I’ve been trying to figure myself out, and I guess I’ve been trying to see myself as … a character. So some of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately are:

  1. Have I changed?
  2. How have I changed?
  3. What has stayed the same? 
  4. Do my relationships change based on who I am with ?
  5. Is it… bad? To be different based on who I am with? 
  6. Why do I think it’s bad and not good?
  7. What exactly have I unconsciously learned in the past to make me think it’s bad to be different depending on the person, situation, etc. 
  8. But is it actually bad? Or is it actually good? 
  9. How different is it okay to be? 
  10. Is there a threshold/limit(?) of how much I can handle a different character and behavior for myself? And for the people around me? 

This is as far as I have come with this thought – until next time 🙂

UPDATE

11.19.20 @ 0932

“Having less feeling is not maturity, it’s death.”

My professor said this to my class today and it immediately clicked in my head.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my self identity – as always – but on a deeper level.

I forgot what I was like as a child until recently when my cousin sent me a video of myself from my childhood. I was dancing is the most funny, bizarre, unique, and strange way. There was no music, I was creating my own rhythm, and it was out in public.

It got me thinking, what was I really like at that age? Because at first, although the video might be hilariously embarrassing, it also came to a shock that I actually behaved like that. I can never, NEVER imagine myself ever doing that again. And then I started to remember, slowly, one by one, all the memories I tucked away to never remember again. It was not a good feeling.

As I grew up, before every school year, I would tell myself before I went to bed, “Don’t be weird this year.”

Every night before I went to sleep, I would reflect on the things I said, the way I looked at people, the way I behaved, and analyze everything. From there, I would determine what I deemed as “strange” and “normal” and tell myself to never do the “strange” things, ever again.

It took me this one video to realize how much I’ve changed. Until recently, I thought I was a very reserved, shy child, but now I see that I was not, at least in front of my family. I realize that I actually was, a free spirit. A very free spirit. And every year, I’ve been restraining, limiting, and editing myself to become the person I am today.

I have a strange feeling now, and after what my professor said to me today, I cannot agree more. Having less feeling, really is not maturity, but death.

What were you like as a child? Can you remember it like it was yesterday or is it a faraway, vague memory? What was your happiest moment? Your saddest? Comment down below!

hOw ARe yoU

AndreaLeave a comment

8. 12. 2020 @ 2119

I’m sitting in front of an acquaintance and they ask me, “So how are you?” I answer,

“You know actually, I haven’t been doing so well lately. I’ve got all these things going on and everyday a new problem seems to appear, so I feel like I’ve just been doing downhill since last week. I got a B- on my exam, I had a really bad lesson yesterday, I thought I almost had to go to the police because I thought my phone got hacked and stuff, and then I found out that I had a really REALLY bad cavity, so now I think I have to go to my dentist who’s about 2 hours away to pull out my tooth, really my life lately has been bad.”

You THOUGHT. No, in reality, I usually say, “I’ve been doing alright!”

– End –

When you’re with someone you’re kinda close with, but eh not really, how do you usually reply? I almost always feel obliged to simply say, “I’m well.” BUT depending on the person I’m talking to (but always with a person I’m not that close with), the way they react will be different. It’s usually one of these three:

  1. They think I’m boring as heck 
  2. They think that I don’t like them
  3. They are actually not interested in talking with me or in my personal life, so happens to be very satisfied with the short and sweet answer. 

I think I often feel obliged to give the simple answer because I’ve had so many experiences where people get easily exhausted as soon as I open my mouth about my personal life. So for the benefit of both my acquaintance and I, I tend to keep things simple. 

But talking to friends is a whole different story. Asking “How are you” means, “How are you?” 

Depending on how much time I have, I’ll reveal bits or literally everything that I can think of at the moment. 

That’s all I have for today, until next time!

Update: 8. 14. 2020 @ 2245

I just thought of this while re-reading what I wrote – why can’t I just make an answer that’s interesting enough, but not so revealing and deep? That way, the person I talk to doesn’t feel too overwhelmed or burdened. Knowing me though, it’s not possible.

I can work on it though! Definitely will be more thoughtful from now on…

But should I ? Some people just ask out of kindness.. not genuine curiosity, and it’s (occasionally) very difficult to tell whether it’s one or the other… hm