Tag: self-reflection

Once a pebble, now a seedling

AndreaLeave a comment

11:19 PM, 10/22/21

I came to a realization while talking with my mother, that 3 years ago, I was seriously empty headed.

I tried really hard for many years to make it seem like I always knew what I was doing, what I wanted, and where I was going, but honestly? I really never did. I had my moments of flickering light in my head that would, on occasion, motivate me to do something, take action, and go somewhere, do something, but those moments usually came to a short end.

Now, it’s different. A couple of days ago, I didn’t have a flickering light, the actual switch went off.

Here’s the analogy I though of while talking with my mom. 3 years ago, I didn’t care where I was going, who I was to become, what I was going to do, but I had a hard and firm exterior – an idea that I could pull off and make people believe. Like a pebble, it moves to different places, pushed and carried around by nature, but for the most part, keeps it’s form.

Now, I’m a seedling, and I am becoming a really firmly rooted, really big, big, thick, (and beautiful) tree. I have some stability, some ground, but it’s only the start, and I have to take charge for what comes next in my life to eventually become like a tree.

I feel like maybe this is all a rush of emotions, and I’m making impulsive decisions, but at the same time, I’ve never felt more convinced that this is the path I need to take as of right now. And I don’t see the point of holding myself back.

So I’m going to start this journey, now as a seedling, and one day, the next time you see me, I’ll be a little bigger seedling – the goal is for this seedling to continue to grow, not jump different stages and suddenly become a tree or whatever, but to gradually, slowly, step by step, grow into a tree.

I want this seedling to stay rooted in me, and I have this gut feeling that it will, and that it will continue to grow.

Like the way I end most of my thoughts, did this thought even make any sense? It did a few moments ago. Oh well.

Until next time,

The difference between being “alone” and “lonely”

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9.7.21 @ 6:25 PM

Oh right, hi again, it’s been a while, I’m sorry for being gone for so long, it’s been an interesting year.

But let’s get straight to the point. Being lonely vs. being alone.

I used to think and used to be comfortable with choosing to be alone. I always had friends, but as an introvert, I enjoyed having time to myself. To think, to wonder, to just be without the presence of another person. Things have changed though.

I recently moved into my dorm, and I finally for the first time in many years, have my OWN room. The thought of it was exciting at first. But then I actually moved in, and 3 days in, I’m starting to feel lonely…

?

It’s honestly kind of strange, I haven’t ever felt lonely before. I’ve definitely felt bored, but I have never or at least don’t remember ever feeling lonely, wishing that I could just be with someone, no matter what time of the day or what I’m doing.

Maybe I got used to being with my parents all the time. I’m not really sure.

As of now, I’m going to try to distract this feeling of loneliness by getting stuff done. Like stuff I actually need and want to do. So here I am!

What are your thoughts on lonliness and being alone? Is there a difference between the two for you?

Until next time,

A little poem

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04.03 @ 1030

I feel out of place 

Am I a stranger? 

I’ve been living my entire life for this 

Now I’m just a spectator 

On the sidelines 

Watching. And admiring. 

But not being a part

Of a place I used to call home. 

Okay so this is an absolutely raw poem (? Can I call this a poem..?) I wrote on a whim during class this morning.

I recently injured myself and I haven’t been able to practice my instrument in a little over 2 weeks now, so during my Orchestra class, watching all my classmates perform their excerpts… I felt like an outsider. I almost felt like I was intruding, but at the same time admiring everyone’s performance. At some point later on in the class, I realized that I too was one of those people. And I felt sad.

Sad I was, sad I am now, but life moves on! This isn’t my first injury, and it won’t stop me from playing cello at all.

That’s all for today, until next time 🙂

(Future Andrea reading this, did you cringe? Because I currently am, while re-reading this post)

(Also another p.s. – I haven’t written a poem since high school, so please excuse… everything)

Everywhere, yet nowhere

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02.01.21 @ 0045

A close friend asked me how I was doing and in reply I said, “I’ve sort of been everywhere but nowhere at the same time lately.”

It’s a feeling I’ve been recently introduced to. I can’t really pinpoint what I’m feeling in the present.. I’m sure that I’m not angry, happy, or sad… but it’s not not a feeling though either – that’s very different.

I would say not being able to have feelings for me is definitely more of a negative thing, whereas having all sort of feelings but not being able to pick out a specific one is more of a positive thing.

At the same time though, it would be really nice to have some security and stability with my emotions. So I try to ask myself every now and then, how am I feeling right now? But for some reason, I can’t seem to find the words to describe the kinds of feelings I have. It’s not even confusing either – that also, is a very different thing.

So then I ask myself, is this kind of feeling what you call happiness? But it can’t be. There are so many things I’m still annoyed, angry, and upset about, just.. maybe to a lesser extent than a couple of weeks ago.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to explain because obviously people have fluctuating emotions and mood swings all the time, but for me it’s not even that either. I sort of feel the same all the time. But it’s like a mix of everything? Weird.

Maybe in a couple months I’ll be able to look back at my past self and confirm the sort of feelings I’m currently having. Or not. We shall see.

Until next time :’)

Help me how to deal with anger

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01. 07. 21 @ 0130

I got angry today. On a whole different level of anger. It’s still fresh and my mind and body feel empty right now.

For the first time in my 20 (now soon turning 21 – pretty exciting gotta say) years of life, I made myself involved in my parent’s fight. I could not stand to see them being mad at each other anymore and felt myself getting scared and anxious.

But I decided that for my own sake, and for my parents sake, that I would get involved and try stopping it.

Here’s what happened – I ended up getting even more angry than both of my parents that they couldn’t do or say anything.

It was an unbelievable kind of anger. I was screaming at the very top of my lungs. To the point where I even questioned myself while screaming,

“Am I going to lose my voice when I say these next few words…”

Thankfully I didn’t.

I also realized that when I am very, very angry, I start getting angsty and do little jumps. I think it’s because I’m so mad, I want to express it physically, but don’t know how. So I do little jumps while flailing my arms. You get the image.

my mom started laughing at some points.

my cat also started to meow little by little after each comment I made and even made visits to both my mom and dad to see how they were doing, but never stayed with one. that would be unfair.

As of now, I feel empty. I can’t feel much emotion. Maybe that’s also from all the crying. Thankfully, I didn’t bawl out today, only tears.

But I don’t feel good. I don’t like the feeling I have now. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to resolve it.

How do you resolve anger?

also, if you’re wondering, the actual argument never got resolved.

Until next time,,

Dear 2020,

AndreaLeave a comment

12. 31. 20 @ 2359

Last year, on December 31, 2019, I posted a picture on Instagram and asked for one thing –

“2020, please be good to me”

All this time with everything that happened this year (we can all think of a few particular events that has occurred), I thought this year was the craziest year. Maybe it was because of all the events, I was constantly in a confused state of mind. I never knew what to think because almost everything felt either so wrong or too hopeful.

But I asked myself again today, how was this year, really, as I wrote emails to my past mentors and sending my year-end greeting.

I started this blog in a very confused state of mind. I was doing things with no plans, no agenda, no structure, and really, that in itself is also the idea of this blog. I stayed in this state of mind for a long time. But then I realized today as I thought to myself,

“You know what, this year, has actually been a pretty good year for me”

You might think I’m crazy. Yes I might be, but I have my reasons.

I started 2019 with family and school issues. By spring, I had to go seek help from physical and mental therapy. By fall, my physical issues (which was an on and off problem since 2018) met it’s lowest of low and I had to take the last couple weeks of fall semester off in order to get better. I went to multiple different doctors, all of different backgrounds, trying to find the one for me who will really, really help me, and I did. By the end of December 2019, I found someone who literally saved me.

I started 2020 regularly seeing my new physical therapist, and every week, I got better. I started to really see results and felt so much stronger. As I felt myself getting better physically, I also felt myself somehow gaining strength in my own mental self. I realized that a lot of my physical problems are related to stuff that goes on in my head and it helped a lot with literally everything in life. I also just love my PT 🙂 I think of her as one of my life mentors.

I successfully “finished” physical therapy back in July and just last week, I had my first check up since then. I am proud to say, that I have no serious issues so far and that my PT told me I’m on the right track :’)

With my family issues, as I stayed home with my parents since February 2020, well.. for the most part got better. There is still so much for me to know and understand and you know what that’s okay. I will live and learn. That’s all I can really do.

So really in comparison to 2019, 2020 has been a heck of a lot better for me.

I have a lot of things to be grateful for from 2020 for my own personal, physical and mental growth. Thanks to 2020, I also realized many things about humans. Good and bad.

So thank you 2020, for being good to me. But tell your friend 2021, to be better. For everyone’s sake.

Sincerely, Me.

You heard my thought of 2020, now what are your thoughts of 2020?

Who am I … ? (11.19 update)

Featured AndreaLeave a comment

8. 12. 2020 @ 0048

These two terms were used when I took English in high school to describe characters in a story: static and dynamic. Lately, I’ve been trying to figure myself out, and I guess I’ve been trying to see myself as … a character. So some of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately are:

  1. Have I changed?
  2. How have I changed?
  3. What has stayed the same? 
  4. Do my relationships change based on who I am with ?
  5. Is it… bad? To be different based on who I am with? 
  6. Why do I think it’s bad and not good?
  7. What exactly have I unconsciously learned in the past to make me think it’s bad to be different depending on the person, situation, etc. 
  8. But is it actually bad? Or is it actually good? 
  9. How different is it okay to be? 
  10. Is there a threshold/limit(?) of how much I can handle a different character and behavior for myself? And for the people around me? 

This is as far as I have come with this thought – until next time 🙂

UPDATE

11.19.20 @ 0932

“Having less feeling is not maturity, it’s death.”

My professor said this to my class today and it immediately clicked in my head.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my self identity – as always – but on a deeper level.

I forgot what I was like as a child until recently when my cousin sent me a video of myself from my childhood. I was dancing is the most funny, bizarre, unique, and strange way. There was no music, I was creating my own rhythm, and it was out in public.

It got me thinking, what was I really like at that age? Because at first, although the video might be hilariously embarrassing, it also came to a shock that I actually behaved like that. I can never, NEVER imagine myself ever doing that again. And then I started to remember, slowly, one by one, all the memories I tucked away to never remember again. It was not a good feeling.

As I grew up, before every school year, I would tell myself before I went to bed, “Don’t be weird this year.”

Every night before I went to sleep, I would reflect on the things I said, the way I looked at people, the way I behaved, and analyze everything. From there, I would determine what I deemed as “strange” and “normal” and tell myself to never do the “strange” things, ever again.

It took me this one video to realize how much I’ve changed. Until recently, I thought I was a very reserved, shy child, but now I see that I was not, at least in front of my family. I realize that I actually was, a free spirit. A very free spirit. And every year, I’ve been restraining, limiting, and editing myself to become the person I am today.

I have a strange feeling now, and after what my professor said to me today, I cannot agree more. Having less feeling, really is not maturity, but death.

What were you like as a child? Can you remember it like it was yesterday or is it a faraway, vague memory? What was your happiest moment? Your saddest? Comment down below!

It’s your decision

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10. 13. 20 @ 0014

Ultimately, all the decisions made are up by you. Right?

I’m actually not sure about what I think.

Sometimes I feel like I do make decisions because I want that choice, that path, that type of cake. But sometimes I have second thoughts and think, “Is this really what I want, is it something I want people to think I want, is it something I know someone else wants me to want, is it something I feel like I’m forced to want because of certain circumstances (or anything really), or can I really make this choice on my own?”

So just now, starting a couple of minutes ago, I started to think of some things that I know I’ve decided on my own.

At first, I couldn’t think of any, but after a couple of more minutes I did think of a few from today:

  1. I chose to eat chocolate and jellies without anyone persuading me to (usually my mom does).
  2. I watched a movie
  3. I slept in the car

Okay, I know these sound very simple, but the more I think, A LOT of things I do or choose – even the the most tiny and insignificant ones! – are decided by not just me. Probably because I live with my parents. I wonder what it would be like to live alone?

That’s all for today. 🙂

What are some things that you’ve actually, really decided or chose for yourself?

“In Between”

AndreaLeave a comment

9. 30. 20 @ 0200ish

I’ve just finished watching/reading Into the Woods (it’s amazing, go watch it right now, it’s on YouTube for free – link) and just one of the things that has been lingering on my mind is the idea of the “in between.”

Some people say they want something different from what they have now. But then when they do get that something different, they realize, they actually want something in between. So then some people say, if possible have both!

For me, whenever I want something, I always try my best to keep what I have now and have more. That sounds a bit selfish. Maybe it is? I’m so curious about other things and there are so many things in this world that I want, so I always do my best to acquire everything. There is no “this or that” for me, only “this” and “that.”

Actually no, I only recently became like this. When I was younger, I always thought that there was only one path, one choice, right or wrong. College changed me.

And then there’s this thought. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble trying to make a decision. Usually it’ll be things like life decisions or bigger, more important things, or more practical life decision choice things, or questions on morality and rationality that are more difficult for me to decide on one singular thing.

For example, the question of, “Is it right or wrong?”

A lot of people answer these types of questions with “Yes, it is right” or “No, it is wrong.” But then a lot of other people, like me, who will be like, “Well.. you know there’s a really gray area when etc. etc. etc……” The kind of answer I want to give, is sort of, an in between kind of answer.

I feel like this topic is of a great interest to me lately because of our given situation lately with Covid-19. My teacher asked me a question (I forgot the question) and I answered something like, “I don’t know” (as always) and she said something along the lines of, “Well, these are times of uncertainty.” And it’s so true – literally a light bulb flickered in my mind when she said this.

I feel like for the past half year I’ve sort of just been living life, doing things as I please, but I didn’t even realize I was doing that? I didn’t realize that I’ve been so not this or that, black or white. I’ve only recently started to realize how uncertain, indirect, and confused I am with everything.

Maybe it’s because it’s super late right now, but as I’m writing, it feels like I’m making 100% sense, but then when I think about what I wrote a minute after I actually wrote something, it feels like it doesn’t make any sense anymore. I honestly don’t know if this entire piece makes sense as a whole, it does in my head, hopefully it does in your head too. If not.. oh well.

Good day/night to everyone 🙂

I love you

AndreaLeave a comment

9. 10. 2020 @ 0930ish~

If you’re going to tell me that you love me, you’re going to need to love 100% of me.

Something I learned in class today – my professor made the connection from the above and said that a lot of people say that they love music, but really, only know or appreciate maybe… 17% of music?

Music is so much more than just what you listen to everyday like pop, hip-pop, r&b, it’s also classical, jazz, rock, country, etc., etc., etc. I think he was trying to get my class to understand that as musicians, we should at least know, be aware, and appreciate other types of music, not only the one genre we major in. Because really, classical music wouldn’t be classical music without the influence of other genres, same goes with jazz, with pop, etc.

Just thought the analogy he made was really.. eye-opening (?) because I’m not someone who says I love __ very easily. With people, I avoid it almost completely and with other worldly things, I have the tendency to say I like __ or I enjoy___ or I appreciate __

I think I usually do this because I have commitment issues. I know that I’m not going to like something for eternity, so I don’t want to say that I love it because love is a heavy word. It’s a word that a lot of people (like me) put a lot of meaning to (some people don’t and that’s alright too), so I don’t take it very lightly.

I can say though, I love chocolate.

Can you love someone, but only know maybe… 46% of their life? Or maybe, can you love someone, but only like or appreciate 35% of them?

I think it’s impossible to know someone 100% and I also think it’s impossible to like someone 100%, but I do think that people can be open and learn about their loved ones through time and come to understand even the parts of people they may not… like or appreciate.

But maybe I can only say this because I’ve never actually genuinely told someone I love you yet, so I can’t really understand the whole meaning of love. I don’t know.

–

Okay one last thing, my professor also mentioned something that I thought was really,, just really interesting as well.

He said that he learned from one of his professors, who is (or was?) a very well known philosopher, it went something like this (not sure), but this is how I interpreted it:

That art is something that brings passion in balance with logic and that that is what creates beauty. This becomes the reason why so many people strive for it.