self-relfection – a Sunday thought

03.01.21 @ 0044

Hello to the people who read this very inconsistent blog, I apologize to you and myself for not dropping in more frequently to stop and jot down a thought.

It’s been a couple difficult months for me and my loved ones – for a great variety of reasons, so I feel like I haven’t had the ability to just sit, think, and wonder without having to worry, panic, or cry about some issue.

Thinking about the past couple years though, Jan-April seems to be the most difficult months for me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I wonder if the state of this world right now is just making things 100x worse.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot more time to myself, I haven’t talked to friends in a long time, and I’ve kept to myself for the most part even with my family. I don’t feel lonely, but rather, appreciate very much this aloneness that I haven’t given myself for the past year. I think because I knew that I had to stay home and knew that I couldn’t go out and see friends, I made up for it by calling friends weekly to make sure I stay social so I don’t lose my sense of reality and you know… life (humans are social creatures). BUT after this never ending avalanche of issues started arising since January, everything just became difficult to express and at some point I was sort of emotionless, out of focus, and lost all motivation. Given my situation and just everything going on, I think I naturally tried to give myself space from talking to really anyone about anything personal. To be honest, I really just didn’t want to.

but here I am now 🙂 my aloneness has helped me think more about myself, my values, my motivation, my goals, and the many many hobbies that I still want to do but will never have time to do, but still.. thinking about them make me happy. I think my English got weird. I don’t think my grammar is correct. oh well.

I’m thinking about re-reading my old posts and updating them – maybe my thoughts have changed?

Just out of curiosity, how do you feel? Do you feel lonely? Or are you like me, who thought that I would be too lonely if I didn’t reach out to people, but actually overcompensated, and ended up being a mind poop while other issues arose in my life, and actually craved for time completely alone?

until next time… which will hopefully be very very soon 🙂

8. 12. 2020 @ 2119

I’m sitting in front of an acquaintance and they ask me, “So how are you?” I answer,

“You know actually, I haven’t been doing so well lately. I’ve got all these things going on and everyday a new problem seems to appear, so I feel like I’ve just been doing downhill since last week. I got a B- on my exam, I had a really bad lesson yesterday, I thought I almost had to go to the police because I thought my phone got hacked and stuff, and then I found out that I had a really REALLY bad cavity, so now I think I have to go to my dentist who’s about 2 hours away to pull out my tooth, really my life lately has been bad.”

You THOUGHT. No, in reality, I usually say, “I’ve been doing alright!”

– End –

When you’re with someone you’re kinda close with, but eh not really, how do you usually reply? I almost always feel obliged to simply say, “I’m well.” BUT depending on the person I’m talking to (but always with a person I’m not that close with), the way they react will be different. It’s usually one of these three:

They think I’m boring as heck
They think that I don’t like them
They are actually not interested in talking with me or in my personal life, so happens to be very satisfied with the short and sweet answer.

I think I often feel obliged to give the simple answer because I’ve had so many experiences where people get easily exhausted as soon as I open my mouth about my personal life. So for the benefit of both my acquaintance and I, I tend to keep things simple.

But talking to friends is a whole different story. Asking “How are you” means, “How are you?”

Depending on how much time I have, I’ll reveal bits or literally everything that I can think of at the moment.

That’s all I have for today, until next time!

Update: 8. 14. 2020 @ 2245

I just thought of this while re-reading what I wrote – why can’t I just make an answer that’s interesting enough, but not so revealing and deep? That way, the person I talk to doesn’t feel too overwhelmed or burdened. Knowing me though, it’s not possible.

I can work on it though! Definitely will be more thoughtful from now on…

But should I ? Some people just ask out of kindness.. not genuine curiosity, and it’s (occasionally) very difficult to tell whether it’s one or the other… hm

Tag: self-relfection

I should be studying, but it’s been such a long time :’)

hOw ARe yoU