Tag: thought

Once a pebble, now a seedling

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11:19 PM, 10/22/21

I came to a realization while talking with my mother, that 3 years ago, I was seriously empty headed.

I tried really hard for many years to make it seem like I always knew what I was doing, what I wanted, and where I was going, but honestly? I really never did. I had my moments of flickering light in my head that would, on occasion, motivate me to do something, take action, and go somewhere, do something, but those moments usually came to a short end.

Now, it’s different. A couple of days ago, I didn’t have a flickering light, the actual switch went off.

Here’s the analogy I though of while talking with my mom. 3 years ago, I didn’t care where I was going, who I was to become, what I was going to do, but I had a hard and firm exterior – an idea that I could pull off and make people believe. Like a pebble, it moves to different places, pushed and carried around by nature, but for the most part, keeps it’s form.

Now, I’m a seedling, and I am becoming a really firmly rooted, really big, big, thick, (and beautiful) tree. I have some stability, some ground, but it’s only the start, and I have to take charge for what comes next in my life to eventually become like a tree.

I feel like maybe this is all a rush of emotions, and I’m making impulsive decisions, but at the same time, I’ve never felt more convinced that this is the path I need to take as of right now. And I don’t see the point of holding myself back.

So I’m going to start this journey, now as a seedling, and one day, the next time you see me, I’ll be a little bigger seedling – the goal is for this seedling to continue to grow, not jump different stages and suddenly become a tree or whatever, but to gradually, slowly, step by step, grow into a tree.

I want this seedling to stay rooted in me, and I have this gut feeling that it will, and that it will continue to grow.

Like the way I end most of my thoughts, did this thought even make any sense? It did a few moments ago. Oh well.

Until next time,

The difference between being “alone” and “lonely”

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9.7.21 @ 6:25 PM

Oh right, hi again, it’s been a while, I’m sorry for being gone for so long, it’s been an interesting year.

But let’s get straight to the point. Being lonely vs. being alone.

I used to think and used to be comfortable with choosing to be alone. I always had friends, but as an introvert, I enjoyed having time to myself. To think, to wonder, to just be without the presence of another person. Things have changed though.

I recently moved into my dorm, and I finally for the first time in many years, have my OWN room. The thought of it was exciting at first. But then I actually moved in, and 3 days in, I’m starting to feel lonely…

?

It’s honestly kind of strange, I haven’t ever felt lonely before. I’ve definitely felt bored, but I have never or at least don’t remember ever feeling lonely, wishing that I could just be with someone, no matter what time of the day or what I’m doing.

Maybe I got used to being with my parents all the time. I’m not really sure.

As of now, I’m going to try to distract this feeling of loneliness by getting stuff done. Like stuff I actually need and want to do. So here I am!

What are your thoughts on lonliness and being alone? Is there a difference between the two for you?

Until next time,

A little poem

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04.03 @ 1030

I feel out of place 

Am I a stranger? 

I’ve been living my entire life for this 

Now I’m just a spectator 

On the sidelines 

Watching. And admiring. 

But not being a part

Of a place I used to call home. 

Okay so this is an absolutely raw poem (? Can I call this a poem..?) I wrote on a whim during class this morning.

I recently injured myself and I haven’t been able to practice my instrument in a little over 2 weeks now, so during my Orchestra class, watching all my classmates perform their excerpts… I felt like an outsider. I almost felt like I was intruding, but at the same time admiring everyone’s performance. At some point later on in the class, I realized that I too was one of those people. And I felt sad.

Sad I was, sad I am now, but life moves on! This isn’t my first injury, and it won’t stop me from playing cello at all.

That’s all for today, until next time 🙂

(Future Andrea reading this, did you cringe? Because I currently am, while re-reading this post)

(Also another p.s. – I haven’t written a poem since high school, so please excuse… everything)

I should be studying, but it’s been such a long time :’)

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03.01.21 @ 0044

Hello to the people who read this very inconsistent blog, I apologize to you and myself for not dropping in more frequently to stop and jot down a thought.

It’s been a couple difficult months for me and my loved ones – for a great variety of reasons, so I feel like I haven’t had the ability to just sit, think, and wonder without having to worry, panic, or cry about some issue.

Thinking about the past couple years though, Jan-April seems to be the most difficult months for me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I wonder if the state of this world right now is just making things 100x worse.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot more time to myself, I haven’t talked to friends in a long time, and I’ve kept to myself for the most part even with my family. I don’t feel lonely, but rather, appreciate very much this aloneness that I haven’t given myself for the past year. I think because I knew that I had to stay home and knew that I couldn’t go out and see friends, I made up for it by calling friends weekly to make sure I stay social so I don’t lose my sense of reality and you know… life (humans are social creatures). BUT after this never ending avalanche of issues started arising since January, everything just became difficult to express and at some point I was sort of emotionless, out of focus, and lost all motivation. Given my situation and just everything going on, I think I naturally tried to give myself space from talking to really anyone about anything personal. To be honest, I really just didn’t want to.

but here I am now 🙂 my aloneness has helped me think more about myself, my values, my motivation, my goals, and the many many hobbies that I still want to do but will never have time to do, but still.. thinking about them make me happy. I think my English got weird. I don’t think my grammar is correct. oh well.

I’m thinking about re-reading my old posts and updating them – maybe my thoughts have changed?

Just out of curiosity, how do you feel? Do you feel lonely? Or are you like me, who thought that I would be too lonely if I didn’t reach out to people, but actually overcompensated, and ended up being a mind poop while other issues arose in my life, and actually craved for time completely alone?

until next time… which will hopefully be very very soon 🙂

Everywhere, yet nowhere

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02.01.21 @ 0045

A close friend asked me how I was doing and in reply I said, “I’ve sort of been everywhere but nowhere at the same time lately.”

It’s a feeling I’ve been recently introduced to. I can’t really pinpoint what I’m feeling in the present.. I’m sure that I’m not angry, happy, or sad… but it’s not not a feeling though either – that’s very different.

I would say not being able to have feelings for me is definitely more of a negative thing, whereas having all sort of feelings but not being able to pick out a specific one is more of a positive thing.

At the same time though, it would be really nice to have some security and stability with my emotions. So I try to ask myself every now and then, how am I feeling right now? But for some reason, I can’t seem to find the words to describe the kinds of feelings I have. It’s not even confusing either – that also, is a very different thing.

So then I ask myself, is this kind of feeling what you call happiness? But it can’t be. There are so many things I’m still annoyed, angry, and upset about, just.. maybe to a lesser extent than a couple of weeks ago.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to explain because obviously people have fluctuating emotions and mood swings all the time, but for me it’s not even that either. I sort of feel the same all the time. But it’s like a mix of everything? Weird.

Maybe in a couple months I’ll be able to look back at my past self and confirm the sort of feelings I’m currently having. Or not. We shall see.

Until next time :’)

Help me how to deal with anger

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01. 07. 21 @ 0130

I got angry today. On a whole different level of anger. It’s still fresh and my mind and body feel empty right now.

For the first time in my 20 (now soon turning 21 – pretty exciting gotta say) years of life, I made myself involved in my parent’s fight. I could not stand to see them being mad at each other anymore and felt myself getting scared and anxious.

But I decided that for my own sake, and for my parents sake, that I would get involved and try stopping it.

Here’s what happened – I ended up getting even more angry than both of my parents that they couldn’t do or say anything.

It was an unbelievable kind of anger. I was screaming at the very top of my lungs. To the point where I even questioned myself while screaming,

“Am I going to lose my voice when I say these next few words…”

Thankfully I didn’t.

I also realized that when I am very, very angry, I start getting angsty and do little jumps. I think it’s because I’m so mad, I want to express it physically, but don’t know how. So I do little jumps while flailing my arms. You get the image.

my mom started laughing at some points.

my cat also started to meow little by little after each comment I made and even made visits to both my mom and dad to see how they were doing, but never stayed with one. that would be unfair.

As of now, I feel empty. I can’t feel much emotion. Maybe that’s also from all the crying. Thankfully, I didn’t bawl out today, only tears.

But I don’t feel good. I don’t like the feeling I have now. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to resolve it.

How do you resolve anger?

also, if you’re wondering, the actual argument never got resolved.

Until next time,,

Who am I … ? (11.19 update)

Featured AndreaLeave a comment

8. 12. 2020 @ 0048

These two terms were used when I took English in high school to describe characters in a story: static and dynamic. Lately, I’ve been trying to figure myself out, and I guess I’ve been trying to see myself as … a character. So some of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately are:

  1. Have I changed?
  2. How have I changed?
  3. What has stayed the same? 
  4. Do my relationships change based on who I am with ?
  5. Is it… bad? To be different based on who I am with? 
  6. Why do I think it’s bad and not good?
  7. What exactly have I unconsciously learned in the past to make me think it’s bad to be different depending on the person, situation, etc. 
  8. But is it actually bad? Or is it actually good? 
  9. How different is it okay to be? 
  10. Is there a threshold/limit(?) of how much I can handle a different character and behavior for myself? And for the people around me? 

This is as far as I have come with this thought – until next time 🙂

UPDATE

11.19.20 @ 0932

“Having less feeling is not maturity, it’s death.”

My professor said this to my class today and it immediately clicked in my head.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my self identity – as always – but on a deeper level.

I forgot what I was like as a child until recently when my cousin sent me a video of myself from my childhood. I was dancing is the most funny, bizarre, unique, and strange way. There was no music, I was creating my own rhythm, and it was out in public.

It got me thinking, what was I really like at that age? Because at first, although the video might be hilariously embarrassing, it also came to a shock that I actually behaved like that. I can never, NEVER imagine myself ever doing that again. And then I started to remember, slowly, one by one, all the memories I tucked away to never remember again. It was not a good feeling.

As I grew up, before every school year, I would tell myself before I went to bed, “Don’t be weird this year.”

Every night before I went to sleep, I would reflect on the things I said, the way I looked at people, the way I behaved, and analyze everything. From there, I would determine what I deemed as “strange” and “normal” and tell myself to never do the “strange” things, ever again.

It took me this one video to realize how much I’ve changed. Until recently, I thought I was a very reserved, shy child, but now I see that I was not, at least in front of my family. I realize that I actually was, a free spirit. A very free spirit. And every year, I’ve been restraining, limiting, and editing myself to become the person I am today.

I have a strange feeling now, and after what my professor said to me today, I cannot agree more. Having less feeling, really is not maturity, but death.

What were you like as a child? Can you remember it like it was yesterday or is it a faraway, vague memory? What was your happiest moment? Your saddest? Comment down below!

It’s your decision

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10. 13. 20 @ 0014

Ultimately, all the decisions made are up by you. Right?

I’m actually not sure about what I think.

Sometimes I feel like I do make decisions because I want that choice, that path, that type of cake. But sometimes I have second thoughts and think, “Is this really what I want, is it something I want people to think I want, is it something I know someone else wants me to want, is it something I feel like I’m forced to want because of certain circumstances (or anything really), or can I really make this choice on my own?”

So just now, starting a couple of minutes ago, I started to think of some things that I know I’ve decided on my own.

At first, I couldn’t think of any, but after a couple of more minutes I did think of a few from today:

  1. I chose to eat chocolate and jellies without anyone persuading me to (usually my mom does).
  2. I watched a movie
  3. I slept in the car

Okay, I know these sound very simple, but the more I think, A LOT of things I do or choose – even the the most tiny and insignificant ones! – are decided by not just me. Probably because I live with my parents. I wonder what it would be like to live alone?

That’s all for today. 🙂

What are some things that you’ve actually, really decided or chose for yourself?

Things I miss

Andrea1 Comment

10. 4. 20 @ 2230

A little list of things I thought I wouldn’t miss, but do now

  1. Saying, “Hi” to people on the way to somewhere
  2. Eating inside the cafeteria
  3. Riding a jam-packed elevator and hoping it won’t malfunction
  4. Rehearsals
  5. Going to the gym
  6. Eating food samples at the supermarket
  7. Standing close to people (okay this one may sound a little weird – especially as someone who hates physical intimacy – BUT I do miss standing relatively close to people – like having a sense of community? – Pre-pandemic, when I stood far away from people, it was because I didn’t know them, or didn’t like them, or felt awkward, but now it’s because I feel scared. I think I’d rather feel anything but fear)

I hope that next year, I’ll look at this list and cringe to think that I actually missed some of these things. But for now, I do.

What are some things you miss?

I love you

AndreaLeave a comment

9. 10. 2020 @ 0930ish~

If you’re going to tell me that you love me, you’re going to need to love 100% of me.

Something I learned in class today – my professor made the connection from the above and said that a lot of people say that they love music, but really, only know or appreciate maybe… 17% of music?

Music is so much more than just what you listen to everyday like pop, hip-pop, r&b, it’s also classical, jazz, rock, country, etc., etc., etc. I think he was trying to get my class to understand that as musicians, we should at least know, be aware, and appreciate other types of music, not only the one genre we major in. Because really, classical music wouldn’t be classical music without the influence of other genres, same goes with jazz, with pop, etc.

Just thought the analogy he made was really.. eye-opening (?) because I’m not someone who says I love __ very easily. With people, I avoid it almost completely and with other worldly things, I have the tendency to say I like __ or I enjoy___ or I appreciate __

I think I usually do this because I have commitment issues. I know that I’m not going to like something for eternity, so I don’t want to say that I love it because love is a heavy word. It’s a word that a lot of people (like me) put a lot of meaning to (some people don’t and that’s alright too), so I don’t take it very lightly.

I can say though, I love chocolate.

Can you love someone, but only know maybe… 46% of their life? Or maybe, can you love someone, but only like or appreciate 35% of them?

I think it’s impossible to know someone 100% and I also think it’s impossible to like someone 100%, but I do think that people can be open and learn about their loved ones through time and come to understand even the parts of people they may not… like or appreciate.

But maybe I can only say this because I’ve never actually genuinely told someone I love you yet, so I can’t really understand the whole meaning of love. I don’t know.

–

Okay one last thing, my professor also mentioned something that I thought was really,, just really interesting as well.

He said that he learned from one of his professors, who is (or was?) a very well known philosopher, it went something like this (not sure), but this is how I interpreted it:

That art is something that brings passion in balance with logic and that that is what creates beauty. This becomes the reason why so many people strive for it.